Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Darkness envelopes - a personal struggle

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. 2John 1:6 (NIV)
I took a little break from blogging. For that matter, I took a significant break from writing and any type of mental and to an extent spiritual exercise. It really boils down to a defiant (although passive) stance that I chose to take over the last couple of months. I must go back to explain my current stance and now my jubilant return to blogging, writing and YES -- obedience to the Lord. In the month of May, the Lord did not allow something in my life to come to fruition and for that reason I started my own little private strike of sorts against -- THE MAN - -GOD! After all, He was the reason I did not get MY way. Yes, at this age (not telling exactly how old but old enough to know better) -- I was throwing a certifiable tantrum without the outward temper part. So, you may be saying why give up writing or communicating -- well because the Lord had prompted me last March that He wanted me to write... not just a blog but something of merit. An act of obedience on my part whether any one read what I wrote or not -- He just wanted me to do as He asked with no questions asked. I had been sitting back on my laurels until May -- writing here and there on my blog, my journal, doing some stuff for the Women's ministry, etc but not really following through on the path He had for me. It's not like I didn't have options, because I was approached to help with a book with a friend of mine. Sounded like a great idea -- yet I still hesitated-- thinking "not right now." Then as I stated above, May come along and thus the full blown silent treatment -- me vs God began.
I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. Psalm 69:2 (NIV)
During the months that ensued, I read less, studied the Word less, prayed with less heart and enthusiasm - then one day the end of July I realized that I had in fact fallen into a deep pit of depression that now had enveloped me. Enveloped me so much that I welcomed the sweet slumber of death to visit my door --even prayed for it often. So much hopelessness and lack of zeal made up who I was. To those on the outside, my life appeared to be normal yet busy. I did have a few of my close friends that were calling me out on the issue but I continued to deny the descent into my own personal Hell. Shortly after my birthday, I had a break down and finally confessed to my hubby all that had been bottled up within my soul in the prior months. I then had to admit that the loss I suffered and my subsequent response to God's direction led me into a pit that I must admit I didn't really want to leave. At this point the despair had overtaken me and I knew I needed to talk not only to my husband but mostly to God or this would in fact be my destiny. God had other plans. He brought those "nagging friends" back into my life and they would not let me go through this alone.
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. Ephesians 6:11 (NIV)
With a trip to my doctor, some counseling, the help of some good friends, a wonderful husband and the Lord, I am now on the road to recovery. Now on this road, I see that obedience to follow the Lord's will is the path of least resistance. I am not saying the depression would not have overtaken me but my filters and defenses may have been up to keep me more fortified had I been in God's will. After all, I was not actually putting on the armor of God. to be honest, it was rusting away in my closet with a thick layer of dust accumulating in the crevices.
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast Psalm 139:10 (NIV)
I am back to writing --- starting with my blog, my journal and a few projects along the way. I have also started communing with the Lord once again and I know that He loves me despite my tantrums. I also can now look back and see that even in the past couple of months when I was not leaning on Him, He was still holding me up without my having to ask. What a mighty God I serve!!
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2 (NIV)
Dear Father -- Thank you so much for seeing me through this summer-- It was one of the darker times in my life and as from all that is in my past - I have learned something from it and know that You are in fact GOD!! Thank You for Your grace - Your Mercy - Thank You for allowing me to run to the Mercy Seat!! Much love and gratitude -- In the Name of Jesus - AMEN Application:
  • OK - Be honest -- what are you going through today? This month? This year? You don't have to tell me -- Just make sure you tell God!
  • Have you or are throwing your own form of tantrum with the Lord? If so, what did (or are) you learn(ing) from it?
  • Do you suffer from depression? If so, please seek counsel ASAP -- do not try to go this alone. God said he would never leave nor forsake us (Deut 31:8)-- I am living proof of that!!
  • Let's agree to pray for one another daily...

1 comment:

Nancy D said...

I have been praying for you. I stummbled upon your blog through another blog and have been looking forward to your posts... I did notice that some time had passed with no thoughts and I prayed all was well. So there you have it, prayers from a stranger.

I am glad to hear you are on the up and up and no longer on strike. I know you feel better knowing HE IS and always will be by your side. You know that just as good as the next person.

Blog away my refind friend! Nancy