Friday, October 24, 2008

Letting Go...

I have a confession to make. I am a control freak – with a capital FREAK. Those who know me can attest to this for as long as I have been around. My mother recalls the story of my first day of kindergarten when I allowed her to walk me to class only to leave her at the door without so much as a “good-bye.” The next day didn’t get any better, as she started to get out of the car to walk me into the school, I said, “No Mom. I can do this by myself.” As the story goes, I have been doing everything by myself since then.

As I grew up and matured, I claimed the mantra “Why delegate when I can do it myself.” In my mind, things ran “oh so smoothly” when I was at the wheel. I figured if I made all the decisions and knew exactly where everything was then there was no question to my security or well-being. This mantra served me well at school and work but not so much so in my personal life. I did accept the Lord as my Savior at the ripe age of 12 yet I did not surrender everything to Him at that point. After all, I had been doing pretty well up until that time – or so I thought.

After my husband left me after 9 years of marriage for another woman and a very different lifestyle, I realized just how empty my life had become over the years. I still had a great job and lots of “things,” yet when I came home at night, my life stopped and became an empty vacuum of depression and loneliness. I then turned my life and most of the aspects over to Christ. At this point, I started giving Him glory and SOME of the credit for my accomplishments.

I met my current husband several years later. I was blessed that he was (and is) a godly man. I felt comfortable allowing him to be the head of the household and to make decisions in the best interest of our family. The funny thing is that I still maintained control of many things in the household, like the bills and our finances. I had a great job that paid well, had great benefits and a corporate ladder primed for my climb. Ironically, it was easy to trust him when I still had a safety net and knew that if anything were to happen then “I” could still take care of myself.

A couple of years after we were married, we welcomed our son. I never realized how much being a mother could or would change me. My perspective on life and what I thought I needed changed so drastically. At this point in my life, I was finally able to “get” just how much the Lord loved me and how hard it must be to sit by and watch me make some of the decisions I did.

I continued to work for a year or so after his birth. I took a promotion and things were looking up for me at work. Then my husband’s job changed and he was required to travel more which meant he would be home less to help with the many responsibilities. I remember it like it was yesterday – but I was sleeping one night and I awoke around 2am with an overwhelming desire to leave my job.

I felt the Lord leading me to the story of Abraham and Isaac. God told Abraham to lay his son down at the altar and to trust that the Lord knew what He was asking him to do. Abraham did as the Lord requested. He did not lay his son on the altar without fear, sadness, or heartbreak but out of obedience. After Abraham was ready to say good-bye to his son, the Lord provided an acceptable sacrifice in place of Isaac. I realized the Lord was asking me to lay my Isaac down –it was neither my son nor my job. What He was asking me to lay at the altar was my need for control and self-sufficiency. I needed to trust that the Lord would provide. Also, I needed to allow my husband to care and provide for our family as he wanted to do but I kept standing in the way with “my” need for control.

I walked away from my career and I can honestly say that the Lord has provided for us financially, but more importantly He has shown me that I don’t need to be in control at all times. I have even started to like being taken care of for change. I am still working on some areas of control in my life. I still have the finances; I still give my mom pointers when she is taking care of my son; I still have some ideas about how my hubby should be doing things – but let me assure you that I am a work in progress. But, thank the Lord – look how far I have come.

Dear Lord - -I thank You for helping me through all those times I thought it was ME in control. I thank You for Your leading and guidance. I thank you for a godly man in my life and wonderful Biblical counsel. I pray that You continue to be with me to keep me from taking control in every situation I encounter. Thank You for loving me - despite myself. AMEN

  • Check out Genesis 22:1-19 to read about Abraham and Isaac.
  • Do you have some area of your life that the Lord is working on with you?
  • Pray that He help you relinquish control of the ties that bind you. Pray for freedom from the chains.


Front Porch Legacy said...

So glad I dropped by today. Excellent post!

Sharon's Faith Dance said...

Paula, I think that one was your best yet! It was perfect. Thanks so much!

Pam said...

Loved this post. I struggle with this too and can very much relate. Your blog always inspires me. It was you and Sharon who inspired me to Blog. I thank you so much as it has brought so much clarity to my mind. It's amazing how therapuetic it can be. Anyway, good post! Miss seeing you in Bible Club. We are having fun though in our new class and are happy to be supporting Rocco kick off the new class! Love ya' sista!