Monday, April 19, 2010

The House always wins!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. "
Jeremiah 29: 11-13 (NIV)
Right now I feel like one of those little silver balls bouncing around in a roulette wheel. Just when I think the movement is slowing to a stop the centrifugal force of the spin nudges me back out to continue a life bouncing with wild abandon with any one's guess as to where I will finally rest. All the while, I am hitting almost every little landing and causing friction but not enough to cause it to come to full and complete stop. It's like Satan is the one spinning the wheel right now and his minions are on the side bidding on red, black, odd or even, all without the slightest interest in the impact and repercussions of the outcome. At this point, I just want it to stop but I fear there is more to come.
I can't even imagine what my life will look like this time next year and to be honest, I'm a little scared as to the photograph that might be snapped. I suspect that it won't resemble life as I know it. Somehow, it will all be different either in context, situation, appearance or all three.
I have somehow been pulled into an aspect of familial life that I have been able to avoid up until now. Extended family matters were typically shared with me by mother in a venting session but now with her deteriorating health and complexity of the situation, I am now being pulled from the bench and put into the game. I must now take a part. Thus, the metaphor with the ball....this is how my mother has felt all these years. I am not sure that I am up to taking over the matriarchal role of our family. I don't have the heart, stomach or compassion level for it. Not sure what to do here. But God does!
I do know that nothing happens without God's knowing. He is aware of everything that is happening in my family and the consequences of very poor choices of some of our members. I don't think it's an accident or poor timing that I am going to Botswana in just over a month. No, not so I can get away, but so that I can be discipled. I feel that my time in Botswana is going to open my eyes to things I didn't know existed and more than likely change my outlook on life around me and the prevailing circumstances.
I was also aware when I signed on that Satan was not going to like my obedience and boy -- he is certainly trying everything he can to get my head out of God's plan for me. I have faith that no matter what happens with these current situations, that God has it under control. He will be glorified whether I land in the black, red, odd or even. God always wins!!
Am I scared? A wee bit. Am I curious? You bet! Would I like this cup to pass? You know it! But, I am not in control and I don't get to make those decisions. God did not gift me or anyone else with a big magic wand to make life easier. If He did, would we really need Him? Would we really want to live a life where everything was easy? Sure, we think we would but that would get boring after awhile. But to be honest with you, I could use a little boring right about now. But, that's not the path I am on at this point in my life. I am following God's call to go to Botswana and you know what -- all this other stuff will be here waiting for me when I come back. The difference is that God is still working with or without me here to call the shots. As for the family issues, it appears God is not calming the storm here but instead He is calming the child. Either way, I'm in good hands!
Great lyrics to a great song:
Dear Heavenly Father -- I can't begin to understand the reason for all that is happening right now but I do thank You for the promise that You are with me (and my family) during this chaotic time. You have always proven faithful in all the journeys I have traveled prior and I know there will be an other side of this too. I thank You for calling me and I humbled by Your leading. I just pray that You open my eyes and ears to show me the way to follow in all aspects of my life. In the precious name of Jesus - AMEN

1 comment:

Donna said...

Girl, I am praying for you. You are going to love Botswana. I wish God had let me go too, but I'll get my turn! Love you bunches!